i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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