I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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