I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
