I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
