he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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