My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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