We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
