My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just high enough for therapy.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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