Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
