The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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