I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
