a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
