Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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