it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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