It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
