Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
