The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
