I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
