"it" just moved
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
