Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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