Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
