I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
