Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
