I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
