Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
