I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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