No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
