am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
