we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
