I got chris browned last night
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
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i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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