I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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