Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
