can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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