I wish I only lived at night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Randomize
