Banned from zoo.
Again?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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