life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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