thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
