I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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