We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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