moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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