I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
