Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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