I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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