totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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