Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
