Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I need water and some morals
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
