just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Green mimosas i think yes
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He did a backflip because drugs
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
