Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
