She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
