Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
