Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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