I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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