I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
