Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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