Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
