I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
