Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
